As I am writing this, I have a terrible flu. Like the kind that if it had limbs or extremities of any kind, it would be punch me and kick me, and laugh. Bastard bugs. My boyfriend, Bart, is being nice and bringing me things like Gatorade and all the medicine I could possible handle but seems to view all of it like a buffet: have a couple of these pills, and maybe a shot of this syrup, and, ohhhh, how about a nice throat spray for desert?
No thanks, I'll just go throw up over here instead.
I mention all of this because as we all know, love is part of sex. Love and relationships tend to equal sex (kind of like lots of booze and no panties equals sex, but I like my equation better right now). As I am sick though, I am reminded of that episode of Friends where Monica is sick, and Chandler refuses to go near her. She has to trick him into having sex with her by seductively rubbing the vapor rub stuff all over her chest and moaning. Let me tell you something: that does not work. You could stand there naked rubbing whipped cream all over yourself and topping yourself off with sprinkles, and there's a good chance your partner is going to sit there and look at you like your nuts: a.) for dressing yourself up like a dessert and b.) for thinking they will want to be intimate with you while you're sick, hence, increasing their odds of getting sick. I have actually heard someone say before, 'I wanted swine flu, I'd sleep with some bacon'. That point was a little bit lost on me, but understood none the less. For the people willing to risk it for a little bit of pleasure, kudos to you, you're helping America somehow (I'll think of a reason later...). For others, it's like a mini chastity belt that has taken over their nether regions, as if that's the ONLY opening for germs to invade. Really, all we need is a good work out to bust this bug up; it's better than the treadmill, so what's so hard to understand? Be a goodwill ambassador in the bedroom, and help a sick person out. If you're that good, maybe that person will make a little ribbon for you and give you and I.O.U. for when you get sick and horny, because you're possible about to.
One last note: Bart thinks it's funny to kiss me via the blanket: he's currently letting me use his blanket/comforter (as opposed to our big one for the bed) and I carry it with me everywhere. To kiss me, he holds one end of the blanket up and kisses me that way. Five bucks says, after I am done being sick, he will forget that I have sneeze, coughed, almost barfed, rubbed Vick's vapor rub and other crap into it, and forget to wash it, using it on the bed that very same night.
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